Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
