I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
