You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So drunk its hurt
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
