I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
