I seem to have left my pride at pride
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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