Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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