yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
