I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This is the high leading the old right now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
