People in love make me want to vomit
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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