Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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