Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize