i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
