I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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