I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
my poor anus
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
