I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
