she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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