My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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