The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize