What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't deserve a penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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