just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
