rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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