Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
