her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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