where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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