it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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