I think my vagina is haunted
4 words: hood of his car
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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