i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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