how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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