I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize