I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
