You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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