just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
