Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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