weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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