i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
