My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
