so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
