If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
