she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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