1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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