Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
