I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
