you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
