I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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