Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
