someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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