I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize