If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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