You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
