My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
