she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
