awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
