getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
