do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
