it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
