a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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