Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
