I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i think my tv is drunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
