can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
