Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
