So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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