Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
